Please don’t take my picture

While I know pictures don't define me or the measure of my worth, I’m very particular about which photos I share publicly. And sometimes, just sometimes, I wish that we didn’t live in such an excessively picture-taking world. Frankly, it’s annoying.

Case in point: Just a few weeks ago, I went to my friend's annual fourth of July celebration (btw, this is me, feeling way too relaxed on our back deck before leaving). And for the first time in the history of preparing for anything, I decided not to angst about what to wear. Not that I ever dress fancy, but I’m always strategic about it because I’m not a big fan of my body. It’s complicated.

Dressing for a hot summer gathering, where people are swimming, can be stressful for a gal like me. Usually, I’d throw on a tank dress, with a little shapewear and sandals. But this time, since the party was later in the day and I was tired after a long, hot walk with a friend, I decided not to try on every single thing in my closet and just go in the comfy capri yoga pants and tank top I was already wearing. Of course, I dabbed on a little fresh lipstick (always #ilovelipstick #notmadaboutit), but that was about it.

After all, what could be the harm?

Then, when I got there, I was quickly reminded of my friend’s penchant for taking pictures. Which made this caution-to-the-wind decision regrettable later in the day, when the picture-taking I thought I’d artfully dodged (by excusing myself to the bathroom, practically falling off of chairs to get out of the frame, and making seventeen trips to the food table…exhausting) caught up to me.

Handsome hubs and I were leaving—keys in hand, minutes from a clean getaway—when my darling host who I adore said to a gaggle of us at the door (to my ears, in slow motion), “Hey you guys, get together and smile!” She was practically squealing, waving that phone like a sword. There was no way around it. By then, I was REALLY not into it. I was stuffed and sweaty and ready for a cool bath and bed. Having my picture taken, along with a root canal and a bikini wax, was the last thing I wanted to do. But I was cornered. So, I begrudgingly put my arms around the waist of a few other folks, sucked in my gut, and winced for the camera while she took 800,000,000 pics.

And sure enough, there they were the next morning, on Facebook… images of me wincing in my not-so-photogenic house-frau-looking pants, shiny faced, and wildly un-curated and tagged. I hoped nobody else noticed how uncomfortable I was. Staring at my not-badass self, I longed for the days when we could just go places—to parties, for coffee or a walk, whatever—without someone pulling out their phone and taking a snap for the socials.  

And that's where I stewed for a nice long while. Muttered under my breath and then decided to meditate on it (clearly triggered) until I finally had the epiphany I was looking for: Well, I’ll be darned. As it turned out, the pictures weren't the problem, it was my lack of Big Wild Love. The limiting beliefs that told me I had to be a perfect size six to be worthy of being photographed....or anything, for that matter, were sending me back in time. To the work I thought I’d already done.   

Here’s the thing: When we have Big Wild Love--when we love and understand ourselves and the subconscious beliefs driving us—we can take the risks associated with letting go for what we really want. In my case, which was letting go of that camera….being with my peeps without feeling like I was in a Pink Panther movie. Playing cat and mouse with my friend’s phone, simply because I didn't want to see myself in a photo. And yet, how nice it would have been to just let her snap away, smiling for the camera without a care in the world. Because it shouldn’t be that big a deal, right?

Our limiting beliefs will always look for a way to rear their ugly heads—even in response to the simplest things. Which is why quelching them is never a one-and-done deal. It's about awareness. Knowing that when something doesn’t feel right—when you have a pit in your stomach the way I did looking at myself in those images—it’s time to do a little soul searching to figure out what the real problem is. So, you can deal with it and move on. 

I thought I'd slayed that limiting belief so many times (with a TEDx Talk and a book, I do have to post pics, but I get to curate what I post when those pics are on my camera…[insert prayer emoji] and that is helpful). And I did. Yay me! But it was back—all that picture taking raised it from the dead. Once I understood it was the problem, I was able to tell it to shut up and move beyond the pictures themselves. Sure, I still didn't love them. But they no longer stopped me in my tracks. Or, got in the way of what I know to be true about myself, which is that I’m super picture worthy just as I am.

For me, how I see myself physically will always be delicate given my wiring. But knowing that allows me to keep the limiting beliefs that are only true if I say so from getting the best of me. And the same goes for your limiting beliefs too. xo